A fine July afternoon greeted the Lords of the Pit as they assembled at DMen Tap for a midsummer showdown. After letting the Beef marinate for five years, going all the way back to the Christmas Beef 2020, the Lords thawed out the hyper-niche “format,” this time with a Middle School flavor. The resulting Middle School Beef Bash attracted 15 spell-slinging Lords plus a handful of observing luminaries.
MS Beef carried a requirement of 60 maindeck power at all times, up from the 40 power required during the 2020 outing. Additionally, Phyrexian Dreadnought was banned to prevent copycats from overloading on Middle School’s foremost “big” creature. Also new for 2025: the event “winner” (aka “Biggest Beef”) would only count maindeck creature power. Call this the Danny Friedman Rule after the cunning Lord broke the scale last time with 132 power stuffed into the sideboard.
MS Beef offered all the comfy familiarity of a regularly-played format plus an extra taste of yesteryear, throwing back to those bygone, youthful days when your biggest, baddest creech always went in your deck.
A gaggle of Lords assembled at the nearby Caravanserai coffee shop while awaiting DMen to unlock their doors, then at noon the weigh-in began as players registered their decks’ total power. Most hung in the 60s. A couple pushed well into the 70s. Three improbable piles packed on the poundage — Lords Baran (192), McCarthy (180) & Rohr (133) loomed large over the competition like Kaiju in terrified Tokyo. Baran took home the prize for Biggest Beef, a group-signed “Beef” (aka Thorn) Elemental.
On the leaner side of the aisle, Lords Blank, Braun & Beedle (Killer Bs all 65 power or below) were the day’s top try-hards, all at 3-1 with Ian taking the breakers via a Monoblack discard deck. Braun brought a Goblins pile while Beedle was on Red Aggro. Fourth place was shared by the two-headed monster of Lords Semmens (1-1) and Adams (2-0 on Elves). Rounding out the T8 were Lords MacDougall (Monowhite), Elleman (Bots), Moss (4C Survival) and Sanders (Mostly Legal Cards).
As a secondary prize, a pair of group-signed “Beefmongers” (aka Spiritmongers) went to the players that achieved the Beefiest Boardstate combined. That honor was shared by Lords Elleman & Adams who racked up an aggregate power of 42; perhaps a little lighter than expected but a product of the day’s fast-paced games.
Four rounds of Beefin’ was chewy enough as the games proved to be as silly as the format – play largely hinged on landing a fast fattie, or else just going wide and low to the ground. A lot of decks seemed to shoot past each other (common in casual Middle School). Is there a future for Beef? Certainly, although the format could stand to cure for a bit before serving again. Perhaps next time we’d consider expanding waistlines with a 75 power requirement.
For the Middle School Beef Bash, the Lords raised over $300 in support of the Ark Initiative, a street-level non-profit organization that provides healthy meals to hungry people one Saturday per month at the Wilson Red Line.
(Your humble reporter takes no responsibility for the quality of puns used in this write-up.)
CATTLE CALL
CANDIDS
BONUS CONTENT: GRANTLY V. MOSSTODON DMEN BLOOD BOWL GRUDGEMATCH
